Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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