I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
