ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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