it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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