wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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