I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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