Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
