I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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