theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
