i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
