I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
