Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
