Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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