Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize