Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
3 2 1 whiskey
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
