C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
