I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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