she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
