They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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