AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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