I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
