watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
