If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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