I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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