there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
