I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
