i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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