his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
