My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
