I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
