I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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