Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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