grandma shit on top of the toilet
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Randomize
