Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
