first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
