i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
