The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
