last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
