I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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