Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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