I cannot find my penis.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
