why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
