i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
