i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize