So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize