she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
