i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
