you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
