you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
