Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize