apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I smell like Dick and happiness
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