if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
