I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
