and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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