This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
