just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
