Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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