I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They took my balls.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
