i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize