Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize