God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
