This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize